BTS of Online Business without the BS

Mastering Resilience in Business and Life with Monique Gomez

• Tara Leson • Episode 19

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Today I'm chatting with Monique Gomez, a certified trauma and resilience life coach, about the key to  transforming inherited beliefs and building resilience. 
Discover her unique "theirs versus ours" approach, which helps individuals differentiate their personal beliefs and behaviors from those inherited from influential figures. Monique explains how this method can improve communication and relationships, both in your business and personal life.

We discuss how to navigate the emotional challenges of entrepreneurship, especially online criticism and unmet expectations, and provide actionable advice on maintaining resilience while building and growing your business. 

We delve into the critical role of mindset in entrepreneurial growth and the importance of setting realistic expectations. Aligning your expectations with actual outcomes can drastically improve your satisfaction and success, especially in coaching and strategy programs. 

We'd love to hear your feedback and takeaways from this episode! 

About Monique: 

Monique Gomez is a former mental health counselor turned trauma and resilience Life Coach. Monique helps you get out of the old story to focus on your skills to get the life you want.
Connect with Monique here:
Website: https://dtheal.org/free-consultation-resilience-call-booking
IG: https://www.instagram.com/moniquegomez_thecoach/

Connect with Tara here:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/iamtaraleson/
Website: https://www.taraleson.com

Send us a text

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Behind the Scenes of Online Business Without the BS podcast. If you're a motivated entrepreneur with a dream of building your own sustainable online business, you are in the right place in the right place. I'm Tara, the systems expert, and I help online business owners put systems into your business so you can live in your life, not in your business, and still make daily sales. I also love to keep it real with what it takes to build an online business. Get ready as we go behind the scenes on this wild ride of entrepreneurship and building successful, real businesses. Welcome back to the podcast. Today, I have with me Monique Gomez. Monique, introduce yourself.

Speaker 2:

Hi everyone. My name is Monique Gomez. I am a certified trauma and resilience life coach, former mental health technician, and I help people move away from their old stories and stand in their authentic truth.

Speaker 1:

Amazing, I love it and okay, so I'm always interested in this. Tell me a little bit about your background.

Speaker 2:

Yes, so fun. So there's so much background, I won't go all the way way, way. I won't go to the way way back, but my dream.

Speaker 1:

Come on like when you were born.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, basically Not that we won't go that far, but the idea was to always become a mental health clinician and to work in schools and with prevention et cetera.

Speaker 2:

And so, as I was working in school to do that, I discovered massage in high school, got certified as a licensed massage therapist here in the state of Arizona and then found a passion for it and found that it was so deeply connected to the nervous system work, the psychology, the social work that I was you know now you know studying in that time period and so I just kept massage on hand while I was in my W2 work, in agency work, working with children and families on attachment, trauma and all the, all the things sitting in the yuck so fun.

Speaker 2:

I also have a lot of birth to five experience, which I think has helped me so much with the story component of what I do and that's why I love stories. I think everyone loves stories. I think that's how we relate to each other and that's why I love podcasting and being interviewed on podcasts, because it's such a beautiful way to connect with everyone in the world, because we all have similar stories that can connect and that resonate with each other yeah, and I think that it's so important because so often we're always thinking that it's just us.

Speaker 1:

We're always like, oh no, it's just me. Like no one else is experiencing this, but it's never. It's never that and it's not that, like someone might be going through the exact same thing, but there is someone out there that's going through a similar experience. Yeah, so we are going to talk about what do you call it again now, I forgot the name of it, so yeah, I kind of created this name.

Speaker 2:

there's not, I'm sure there's maybe like a psychological theory behind it, but I call it theirs versus ours, and this distinction really mostly comes from, again, the parenting attachment work that I used to do, where we are becoming our own person, right, creating our own identity, and usually in the work that I do with changing our story, it involves changing our, which, of course, looks back at those attachments between our parents and any other attachments with other strong relationships, whether that's a partner, whether that's BFFs, whatever that means to you, and then separating, because a few different reasons we can separate is when the other person has different viewpoints or perspectives right, and we we see this in the political sphere right, as in the last gosh eight plus years, I would say where where people were strongly divided on lots of different issues, and that's where the there's versus us can come through.

Speaker 2:

the other way there's versus us can come through is the other way there's versus us can come through is just in our general values. Like the one example I can think of off the top of my head, I am for sure a city girl and some of my old friends that I'm no longer friends with are very much like wilderness girls, and even some of my recent clients have been, you know, part of that world, and I have no idea what that means or what that looks like, and so it's kind of that. There's a scenario as well, but I think what we're here to talk about is more that regulation piece and navigating not just tough conversations but tough relationships that kind of have to hold on to.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, because I think that that's it's so interesting and it comes up in our personal life. It comes up in business, all different kinds of areas. So I want to hear first, before we go into, like, the business aspect of it how do you work with your clients on this? Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2:

I love this A lot of my clients. They're super self-aware, so they already know that there are differences between our parents and ourselves, and so that's kind of what we do with the belief exercise that I do. Tara, I believe you and I have completed this together as well, and so when we dive into these different beliefs whether it's love, whether it's intimacy money, you know. Whether it's intimacy money, you know, regardless of whatever that client's coming in with that they want to work on and change the beliefs, will tell us like oh, that's from my mom, oh, that's from my dad, oh, my God, I'm still acting like my mom or I'm still acting like my dad in these XYZ behaviors. And so we sit and sometimes this is a process in and of itself and a goal in and of itself where it's like okay, you now have all these things in front of you that we've uncovered, which is totally okay.

Speaker 2:

Part of part of this work is acknowledging that's them. This is me. Yes, I still have behaviors like that, but that is because of how I was raised. That is part of my neural pathways that are take time to change, and that's what I'm doing this year with with Monique I almost said Ms Monique oh my God, so long, but yeah, so that's really what it looks like and that continues to come through as as we, as my clients, change and right, make these identity changes and the behavioral changes with skills from their history and even when we're doing the timeline activity, the safe net, which is huge component of my work they get to see another outside perspective of an old history experience with that, with that caregiver, and they're saying things in the frontal lobe right instead of feeling and reacting to that old experience with their parent guardian.

Speaker 2:

They're like oh, I see, I see where they thought this and I thought this and we both just couldn't agree, and it is what it is right. There's no hard feelings, there's no animosity. It's really just kind of accepting the facts as they lay.

Speaker 1:

That because we don't want to. We want to fight against the fact that we don't have the same values or the same beliefs or the same thoughts. We want it to be the same Right. We don't like that. It's not.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we want to negotiate, and it's so funny that this is coming up, because I just met with someone who uses a negotiation standpoint, with apologies, and it's so interesting to me when we can come to a logical place like what I just described, right, seeing all the facts of who they are, who I am, and then trying to negotiate or teach them whether they want to learn or not. Right, because we always have that need. Right, even now with my mom. I'm like so this is what I'm learning in investments. Are you open to like hearing my coach, my financial coach, out it's?

Speaker 2:

obviously a no, but like it's, it's still. We try. We want to try because we know and sense and feel the changes that happen within us and we want everyone else to see it too.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. It comes from a place of helping right. Yeah, and I think it's still like you said. It's still totally fine to go there and see if there is any opportunity to talk about it and discuss things and, you know, see what happens. But on the other side of that, you have to be okay with the fact that it may not change the circumstance.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Yep, I love that. And that's the acceptance piece, right, and a lot of therapists talk about acceptance, but I think what's most important and what I like to teach in my coaching is the focus on yourself component. Because when when we, you know, lay the cards out on the table and we want to help, you know, our parents, for example, right, my mom be financially stable, et cetera, et cetera we, when there's a no or there's a blockage or a barrier between us, it's like okay, there's nothing I can do. The only thing I can control is myself and where I want to go and my goals and my dreams and my duties and my goals and my dreams and my duties, responsibilities, yeah, yeah, and that's what it literally comes down to.

Speaker 1:

So beautiful, and that's a great segue into the business side of it, because that's exactly the same thing when we are looking at what we're doing in business.

Speaker 1:

That's all you got to focus on. You don't need to worry about all the other shit that's out there and what everyone else is telling you, what everyone else's thoughts are Like. Opinions are going to be strong, probably just on the fact that you are going into entrepreneurship. A lot of people don't understand it and probably just won't get it in general. Right, there's going to be that, but there's also going to be things that you're going to deal with online. There's going to be trolls, there's going to be like a ton of stuff, and it's just knowing that. You know people can have different opinions and you just let it fall where it where it is.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I think I can't remember who I was chatting with about this but there's this disappointment emotion that we get stuck in and where a lot of especially young entrepreneurs get stuck in is like, oh, I expected it to be this, or I really wished you know my mom would be full throttle on this business with me, and it's like that's not what happened and I'm disappointed. But it's like we hold on to that disappointment instead of letting it go, instead of, like you said, focusing on the strategy or building your business, however you want to, or, you know, taking in everyone's opinions and then deciphering for yourself, logically, what you like, what you want to test out, what trial and error you want to go through, because it is your business and that's where I think people get.

Speaker 2:

so I just imagine like a ship getting like rocked in the ocean because of all these right ship getting like rocked in the ocean because of all these right people, fans, opinions, high school people, everybody has an opinion on your business, but when you're not stable in your own, why that's? That's when you can, you know, really be that boat that's like about to capsize because everyone else's opinions and hatred or what have you, troll, trolling, is going to tip your boat over yeah, and I mean, they say, you haven't made it until you've gotten some troll comments.

Speaker 1:

So if you have, there's that for you that's always good.

Speaker 2:

I don't think I have had any trolls. I almost wish I had trolls, sarah, because I'm like maybe I'm just too good at this. Is that what that means? Like I don't like everyone just loves me, what?

Speaker 1:

I guess I have.

Speaker 2:

I think I saw that on your page that someone was trolling you and I'm like, why? Here's the sweetest thanks.

Speaker 1:

yeah, no, I have and've, some of my clients have and I always I'm just like so we have, these are your options. You can respond. That's always an option you can respond. You can be an asshole back. I don't know what that's going to get you nowhere, really.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

You can ignore it, depending on what it is. That's usually what I choose because I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it's some person that's scrolling by and left a comment on something that you posted on the internet like do you actually want to work with them? Probably not, so what comment whatever you want, like it's not a big deal, you can block the comment, you can block the person, you know. If they're bothering you that much, you have those options. But it doesn't have to go on and like ruin your day.

Speaker 2:

Does that mean true things about you?

Speaker 1:

No, no, and that's totally the other part of it too. Like it's really and I talked to my son actually about this a lot because he deals with this in high school this is a big thing and it always comes down to is that true? Well, if it's not true, true, why are you letting it bother you?

Speaker 2:

that's why I love the mindset work that I do in my program, because it's like asking that question is it true? And all you can think about is I know it's not true, but I can't stop believing it. Or I know it's not true, but I can't stop believing it. Or I know it's not true, but it feels true to me because of X, y, z, right, some history thing that happened once that destroyed you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And you're believing this one situation when there's likely at least three other situations, experiences. That's true, that that is not true about you, but yet we'd love to hold on to that one negative thing. That is one time I made a big mistake and it haunted me for life, and so it must be true that I am just this horrible person who makes mistakes yeah, obviously, and it's like I don't know of a single person that has not made mistakes, that has not screwed up in some way, that hasn't done something dumb.

Speaker 1:

If there is someone out there that's telling you that they haven't, like, come on. No, don't be their friend, just kidding.

Speaker 2:

And that's how we learn too right Like, and that's what this, I think for me when I got behind some of this. There's versus us, right, the comparison trap, all the you know I'm not good enough, what have you? It's feeling good on the journey of this rollercoaster of entrepreneurship which is really getting used to quote unquote failure as feedback.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and that's huge, because a lot of like it's just it's uncomfortable. It's going to be uncomfortable a lot of the time, and the thing is, though, like all of us go through it, there's no one that's immune to it. Even the people that are at you know the highest levels quote unquote they go through it too.

Speaker 2:

There is no person online that doesn't encounter this right so yeah part of being human and I think that's that's why I'm here to explain that to everybody, because it's part of our brain. Our brain likes to categorize things and put, you know, the really good entrepreneurs in one box and the middle people in the middle box, and then the new beginners, who are just dummy dummies in this dummy box, when really that's not true. We all experience the same thing. Like you said, we've all experienced this imposter syndrome that goes through every entrepreneur and can and does come back.

Speaker 1:

Exactly I was thinking about. Yeah, I was on a walk the other day and I was thinking about this and it's just like. It's just like in life. You weren't born at like 40 years old. That's how old I am now. So that's why I say that I wasn't born right like now. You were born and you grew up. These entrepreneurs who are years ahead or you know, at whatever stage they're in, they weren't just implanted like at that moment and that's when their business began. No, they had to, like, go through all of the shit beforehand, just like everyone else.

Speaker 2:

I love that. I had a thought and then it flew away. It was something along the lines of this just like everyone else, I love that. I had a thought and then it flew away. It was something along the lines of this theirs versus us, because the comparison trap will end your journey super early, especially if you're a new entrepreneur, and I think that's why mindset work, like I said, going back to that, it's so crucial. And you, kara, I mean, like I said, we had that one console, so crucial. Yeah, and you, I'm here, I mean we, like I said we had that one console and you did amazing at changing that thought, even though it was a personal story. But, like I can see how you having that resilience to know that's not true about me. Here's what I'm doing, here's my goal, here's my why I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing and look at what success has brought me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and it's. It's so important to challenge those things because, like you said, if you don't do it and you just stay stuck in it, that's what's going to end it for you. That's what's going to make you stop, because you can like it's mindset and it's strategy and you can try to strategize your way out of it. But if your mindset is also shit, it's only going to take you so far.

Speaker 2:

Mm, hmm, I love that so much and that speaks to to like I love that so much. And that speaks to to like being with a coach, right, or being with someone who you're strategizing with, like a business coach, for example, and then they're doing something that you've never tried but, you try it and then you know the thoughts come in because you're you know the mindset work needs to also happen to you with the strategy.

Speaker 2:

But then again it's that trial and error of, okay, so-and-so told me to do this, so I'm practicing it and it's kind of working, but it's kind of not, and um, and then I get stuck again and then you do some mindset work and then you're like, oh, okay, I gotta just see why I'm stuck and then change that part of the stuckness and try again.

Speaker 1:

Well, exactly, and I don't. I don't understand when people say all, because I have seen this and I saw it recently actually on a post by someone and they were like it definitely was not mostly mindset work and I'm not saying that it's mostly one or the other but they were like no, it wasn't the mindset work, it was just strategy. And I just like push through and blah, blah, blah and I'm like no, but you had to actually be able to push yourself through because there were hard times and you had to be able to tell yourself to keep going.

Speaker 2:

That's still mindset yourself to keep going. That's still mindset and that's a place. And it brings us back to our topic, because it's like we love to devalue what we've already worked so hard on. Right, like you said, someone went through a strategy program. They did, okay, right, moderate, what have you fair? And then they're like, ah, that didn't work because I didn't have this result right, this expectation. And that's where this there's versus us thing. It's all about the expectation and so shifting that next to seeing the facts right and I talk about this in my own podcast episode there's versus ours. The expectations are crucial to always look at and check, whether it's personal, whether it's business. What is my expectation going into this strategy? You know group or coaching, business connection. What is my, what is my expectation with, you know, paying for this ad, for this one event? What is my expectation with collaborating with Tara? You know what I mean. Like, there's all these different expectations. We need to check and make sure that they say the same right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, cause if you came in here expecting to make millions off this podcast, I'm sorry to inform you that won't be happening.

Speaker 2:

Hello, no, no, no, no. My expectation was to have an awesome conversation with my friend Tara, and that's yeah. That's what it is, and I think when more entrepreneurs, at any stage, come for the expectation of a couple things education, education, loves and deep connection, or fulfilling their why, exactly yeah, that is. That is when you know the other people involved in the environment, don't matter, don't matter yeah, yeah and I agree.

Speaker 1:

And when you really focus on those things, everything else falls into place.

Speaker 2:

I want to cry. It's so beautiful. Happy tears.

Speaker 1:

Oh, it's the first time anyone's ever told me that I will cherish this moment.

Speaker 2:

I love it though, tara, because it's like me and my business, where I'm now no-transcript and you're a business owner, so now you got to come back to it and make sure that it's still aligned with you know, your business goals, the next quarter, your financial goals, right, who you are as a human, all these things, yeah, and so you can't just make rash decisions anymore at this point, and for me, like having so much more virtual options now in my coaching.

Speaker 2:

I like at home now, kara, and I'm just like whoa, my, I did not expect to be at home like this, yeah, with just a couple tweaks to the business plan, you know, and then I'm like shit, am I gonna binge watch something and like fall back into old patterns and you, you know, do what my mom does when she gets home, or am I going to like really, you know, fulfill myself, fulfill the business, because these are working hour days and I do love what I do, but it's it's really going back to connecting with yourself, not listening to anybody else's you know view of how they spend their virtual coaching life and creating that for myself, and so that's why, like I said, I'm getting emotional about it and happy tears, because I think it just reminds us all that it all stems from our expectations, and we create those for ourselves.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and that's that it is. It's so huge and I find, if we just really focus on that and look at you, know what your expectations are and actually be realistic about it and like what do you want to do? And like what do you want to do? Not who? Like literally, who cares what everyone else is doing, Like who cares what do you want to do? Get back to focusing on that.

Speaker 2:

And that's, that's the only thing that you need to worry about. So true, and we want to call you know, our brain wants to complicate it when it's literally that simple yeah, yeah, I know like it sounds so easy and it actually is that well thinking that part of it yeah thinking, but the doing is the next step right you gotta figure out what I do at my virtual days. Yeah, I've got myself more virtual things to do, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes. Well, where can people find you? What do you have going on right now?

Speaker 2:

Oh my gosh, so much. So right now I have, in the middle of a pre-launch for building regulation, which is my smallest coaching container. It includes, with the pre-sale, five one-on-one sessions with me where we go in and pull skills from the history to use for your regulation, and then a six-week group by the end of August. So you get me for lots and lots of times August. So you get me for a lot of times. That is on pre-sale $125 for 12 months and you get all of the virtual resources involved in that. If you have any questions, they can DM me. I have free, gifted consultations. I think they will be in the link in the show notes. If not, you can always DM me. Instagram is my hangout spot. Monique Gomez, underscore the coach is where you can find me. I answer pretty quickly.

Speaker 1:

Amazing. That's so awesome. Yes, so definitely go check her out. Go check out all of the things. Thank you for hanging out with us. Thank you for coming on the podcast. Thank you for having me. Yes, and if you are watching on YouTube, like and subscribe. If you're on the podcast, I'd love a five stars rating.

Speaker 1:

Review rating I don't know whatever, review rating and review you know all the things and I will catch you in the next one. Thank you so much for listening, friend. I appreciate you being here and sharing in our experiences as we go behind the scenes in online business. I would love for you to hit that five stars, share with a friend that might enjoy it too, and leave a review telling me your favorite part of the show or this episode. Until next time, go, be successful, do the hard things and stay away from the BS.